The Night Keeps Secrets for the Day
by Lumos1995
Summary: When Sirius awoke on July 11th, 1981, with fragmented memories of the past three years and a crystal vial with a cryptic message as his only clue, to say he was confused would be an understatement. What he discovered is something more painful and beautiful than he could have ever dreamed.


Sunday, August 2nd, 1981

_Dear Padfoot,_

_Thank you, thank you, for Harry's birthday present! It was his favourite by far. One year old and already zooming along on a toy broomstick, he looked so pleased with himself. I'm enclosing a picture so you can see. You know it only rises about two feet off the ground, but he nearly killed the cat and he smashed a horrible vase Petunia sent me for Christmas (no complaints there). Of course, James thought it was so funny, says he's going to be a great Quidditch player, but we've had to pack away all the ornaments and make sure we don't take our eyes off him when he gets going._

_We had a very quiet birthday tea, just us and old Bathilda, who has always been sweet to us and who dotes on Harry. We were so sorry you couldn't come, but the Order's got to come first and Harry's not old enough to know it's his birthday any- way! James is getting a bit frustrated shut up here, he tries not to show it but I can tell – also, Dumbledore's still got his Invisibility Cloak, so no chance of little excursions. If you could visit, it would cheer him up so much. Wormy was here last weekend, I thought he seemed down, but that was probably the news about the McKinnons; I cried all evening when I heard._

_Bathilda drops in most days, she's a fascinating old thing with the most amazing stories about Dumbledore, I'm not sure he'd be pleased if he knew! I don't know how much to believe, actually, because it seems incredible that Dumbledore..._

* * *

Sirius smiled as his eyes quickly roved over Lily's slanted script. His godson was growing up so fast, and it had nearly killed him to miss his first birthday two days prior. He was glad the little tyke had enjoyed his gift though. _If I can't be there in person, I've got to remind him that I'm his favorite somehow!_ He wasn't so sure he shared Lily's confidence about the Order's priority in their lives, but he supposed it was comforting to know she thought so.

'…_the news about the McKinnons'_

Curiously, that line caught Sirius' eye even more than the picture of Harry zooming around on his new broom. It wasn't uncommon for him to miss trivial news while away, but he was typically among the first to receive Order updates. The McKinnons were not only a prominent pureblood family, they also made up a significant portion of the Order of the Phoenix. Not only that, but he currently had a small vial at home with that very name written across the label in his own scrawl. A name he hadn't been able to get out of his mind.

Three weeks ago Sirius had woken to a headache worse than any hangover he'd ever experienced, and that was saying something. On top of that, he'd possessed only fragmented memories from the last three years of his life. He'd recognized the room as one belonging to the muggle flat he'd purchased after graduating Hogwarts, but nothing seemed out of place or unfamiliar aside from a crystal vial on his nightstand.

The vial was labeled _McKinnon_ in his own hand, and there was a small piece of parchment tied around the stopper. It read:

_Keep me safe and locked away. _

_The night keeps secrets for the day._

_Tell no one of our dark foray._

_Open when you hear my name._

Without a second thought he'd owled Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail to meet him at the Shrieking Shack. He had thought better than to show them the vial though. It was obviously something his past self was very adamant remain secret, even from himself it seemed. He'd quickly shoved it in a drawer with a quick locking spell before disapparating and began frantically searching his memory for any clues as to what might have happened.

The most recent memory he'd had was from the day before, Friday, July 10th, 1981. He could count on one hand the number of times more than 20 Order members had been in the same room together in the past three years. July 10th had been one of them. There'd been several McKinnons in the room that day, after all it was their departure from the Order that had necessitated the meeting. Being a member of a blood traitor family was a death sentence these days. The Bones and Prewetts had nearly been wiped out in May. He would never forget the pain etched across Molly Weasley nee Prewett's face as she stood tall beside her family's graves, six boys clinging to the sides of her robes and a 7th on the way. Yet she and Arthur were never more dedicated to the Order's cause now than ever.

The McKinnons on the other hand had seen enough. Sirius couldn't blame them. He could hardly blame anyone for the choices made during war, especially when it came to matters of protecting one's family. He of course didn't harbor the same sentiment towards his biological family, but he had forged his own over the years. Remus, Peter, James, Lily, and Harry, their newest addition, being at the very center of it. And Sirius would dare anyone to criticize him for the actions he'd take to protect any one of them. Burty, Elwin, and Oric McKinnon were brothers, early 50s, Ravenclaw legends in their own time, all heads of sizeable families. Burty had at least 8 children, Elwin and Oric a half dozen each. There'd been several McKinnons at Hogwarts during Sirius' time, none in Gryffindor his year, but one in Ravenclaw he thought. Margaret? Marlene? But they hadn't been close.

His fellow Marauders had barged in before he'd had time to finish pondering the significance of his connection with the McKinnons. He'd quickly informed them of his current predicament, and when they finally accepted he wasn't just disgustingly hungover, he'd realized they knew just as little as he did regarding his activity over the last 3 years. Sure, they'd kept up with one another socially. He'd crashed Lily and James' engagement, been the best man in their wedding, held Harry the day he was born, but when it came to Order business, they didn't even know each other's assignments, not to mention their partners. It was for their own safety. He had accepted that, but it didn't make it any easier. He'd grown accustomed to James, Remus, and Peter knowing everything about him, and he didn't like keeping secrets from them. None of them did.

As nice as it had been to sit in the Shack with his mates and pretend they were the same boys they'd been in school, the tension was palpable. How long had it been since the four of them had even been alone together? The war and the constant secrecy had put a strain on their friendship, especially between them and Remus. Disappearing for months at a time, rarely showing up to Order meetings. Even considering the cycle of his transformation, it was strange behavior. What was even more frustrating was that he refused to admit anything was off or to provide any explanation apart from "Order business." But after their conversation in the Shack, he'd begun to wonder if he hadn't been just as cryptic. The four had parted as friends, vowing to help Sirius in any way they could, but he couldn't help but wonder if they were growing apart. Perhaps once the war was over, although these days it was more likely _if _the war was every over, they could mend their broken bridges.

That was all three weeks ago now, and he'd all but given up trying to decipher what had happened to him. Dumbledore had told him that while he was not privy to the details of the event, it was probably best to accept that most secrets are worth keeping, whatever that meant. He'd finally resorted to focus on his current task, locating a particular sector of Deatheaters, and to let the past die. That is until tonight. Tonight Lily's letter had relit a spark that had begun to dim. Dumbledore and MadEye had instructed him not to leave his post, but there was just something in his gut that told him this was more important. McKinnon. She'd said McKinnon. More than that, something terrible had happened. Something no one had thought to notify him of, or more likely still, something that was intentionally being kept from him.

If there was one thing Sirius hated almost more than Voldemort these days, it was fucking secrets. He was so tired of chasing down the truth, and it was about time he got some damn answers. He apparated into his flat and went straight for the nightstand. It wasn't the most complicated locking charm, but it was enough to keep anyone but a highly skilled spell-breaker out. James had told him he was better off trusting Gringotts, but it would take more than that to convince Sirius to trust those greedy goblins with more than some coin. Speaking of James, anyone wanting to raid his nightstand would have to go through James Potter first, as he was his Secret Keeper, and Sirius honestly couldn't think of someone more loyal than James. The man could probably make a fortune charging folks to make him their secret keeper.

With the vial in hand he laid down on the bed and rested it on his chest like he'd done every evening for the past three weeks. He watched as the contents swirled around and pondered his next move carefully. Memories. He'd deduced that pretty quickly. The vial contained memories, quite a few based on the density of smoke that blew around inside. That they were his memories seemed quite clear, but of what he wasn't sure. He had guesses. It seemed obvious that his past self had been trying to protect someone, but who and from who? The latter also seemed obvious, but the former, less so. A McKinnon perhaps? He had very few memories of who he'd worked with since graduating Hogwarts, but it seemed likely. The odds were certainly in his favor. Someone who is most likely dead now his brain so callously reminded him… And maybe—No. No he wouldn't let himself think that. He would never betray a friend. It was more likely he'd erased his memories to better protect a secret, not conceal a betrayal. Right? Right.

One thing was for certain, whatever he found within the contents of that vial would not be painless. He'd accepted that. Anything connected to the McKinnons was sure to come with pain now, but more than that, he'd felt it from the beginning. It was like a heaviness, a dark cloud in this inaccessible corner of his mind. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but it was there nonetheless. It felt cold but distant, like an ice pack wrapped in a cloth. And if he removed that covering, there would be nothing shielding him from the truth within, no matter how bitter the taste. Wasn't there a saying, "let the dead keep their secrets?" Perhaps he should abide by that. In the end, however, he knew he had to know. He'd never been a patient boy. And his curiosity had gotten him in trouble more times than he cared to remember.

Standing before his pensieve, vial unstoppered and teetering between his index finger and his thumb, Sirius made a choice.

* * *

In hindsight it was stupid to have done it alone. He should have made sure someone was with him before he ever poured the contents of that vial into his pensieve, but he hadn't. Like too many other times in his life, he'd chosen to do the reckless thing, and to do it alone. But he hadn't always been alone had he? Not hardly one moment in the last three years it seemed. And yet when his head emerged from the basin's icy depths he felt more alone than he thought a person could feel. His limbs were so cold he could barely move, but he summoned enough strength to apparate to the only place he knew to go. The only place he was sure he'd be safe, no matter what Albus and MadEye said. Because he was Sirius Goddamn Black and he responded to recklessness with more recklessness even if it meant endangering those he loved. He could babble on about loving his friends and doing anything to protect them all he goddamn pleased, but at the end of the day he was just one giant fuck up wasn't he? Well, he was nothing if not consistent.

When he opened his eyes he was standing in front of a cottage. A cottage in Godric's Hollow.

* * *

"Sirius!"

James smiled ear to ear at the sight of their old friend. Sirius was only slightly taken aback when he realized Remus was there as well.

"What are you doing here mate? We thought you were out on Order business! Sorry you couldn't make Harry's party, but you really didn't miss much, apart from him being the cutest thing you ever saw! I think there's still some cake in th—"

"James," Remus cut in sharply.

It was then that James noticed how pale his friend was. Sirius's normally tanned skin was whiter than a sheet, and he stood frozen, eyes-wide and darting about the room.

"Sirius? What's the matter? What's happ—?"

"Where's Lilly?" Sirius croaked out, his bag clattering to the floor as he crossed the room to grab James by the collar of his jumper. "Where is she?!"

He felt Remus's strong arms suddenly gripping his shoulders and yanking him back.

"Let me go Moony!" he all but growled.

"She's upstairs putting Harry down! But why?! Mate you look like you've seen a bloody gho—"

The rest of James' shouting was drowned out by the pounding in Sirius' ears as he wrenched out of Remus' hold and leapt up the staircase. _Please don't be Marly. Please, God no. Not Marly._ Maybe her father had finally come to his senses and split them all up. Maybe she'd gone out that morning. Maybe—

"You mentioned the McKinnons," Sirius cried, not bothering to knock as he burst into Harry's nursery where Lilly was gently rocking the sleeping babe.

"Sirius! Sirius you nearly scared me half to death," Lilly whispered, her eyes quickly taking in the man stooped over before her. "Sirius, what's the matter? James?"

Her eyes flitted to her husband who had just appeared in the doorway.

"I've no idea," James panted. "He just showed up, asking for you. Sirius—"

"Marlene McKinnon," Sirius gasped out between breaths. "Did they get Marlene?"

Lilly's eyes flitted frantically between James, Sirius, and the sleeping bundle in her arms. "Let's take this to the other room," she decided, quickly laying Harry in his crib before hurrying past Sirius to exit the room.

"Lily. Please."

She felt Sirius's arm catch the sleeve of her dress as she started down the hall.

"Please, just tell me."

She hesitated, taking a moment to close the door to the nursery and throw up a quick silencing charm. They had enough to worry about without a fussy baby. She turned to face him.

"Did you not hear? Surely you—"

Sirius's silence and the way his breath caught in his throat was enough to tell her he had not. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as the tragic news of the McKinnon's massacre once again flooded her mind.

"The report we received said they were all killed. Six generations… Completely wiped out. Why they chose to stay together with only one secret keeper is beyond me but—"

"Marlene," Sirius managed, his voice barely a whisper. "Did they specifically mention Marlene?"

Lily had never seen their friend look more tortured than he did at this moment, and Sirius was no stranger to pain. She didn't know the connection between Sirius and the pretty blonde Ravenclaw girl, but she'd begun to realize there was a lot she was unaware of these days. They were living in a time of secrets and shadows, and whenever truth was finally brought to the light, they were so often burned by it. There was a time when she'd wondered if Sirius was capable of loving someone so deeply it hurt, but one glance into those obsidian eyes proved she had been gravely mistaken. With that realization, she knelt before his bent form, took his face in her hands, and chose her next words carefully.

"Yes love. Yes, I believe she was the one who notified the Order that the family had been located, but when they got there… Sirius, they did everything they could love, but it was too late. Her name—her name was listed among the deceased. And she was..."

Lily paused, debating whether to finish her sentence or leave things as they were. Perhaps he'd heard enough.

"What Lily? She was what?"

"...Pregnant. They said she was pregnant."

He collapsed then with a sob, finally losing the strength, or perhaps the will, to bear his own weight any longer. His hands and knees hit the wooden floor as his gut attempted to rid itself of contents that did not exist. Salt. The bitter saltiness of sweat, bile, and tears. That was all he could focus on as the world spun madly around him. And then, at last, there was darkness. It fell across his eyes, blinding them from the wicked sights of this world. It trickled into his ears, deafening them from its monstrous cries. It wrapped around his ribs, shielding them from its piercing pain. And then, it slipped into his heart, protecting it from feeling such horror ever again.

James and Lily watched, frozen in shock, as their best friend shattered into a million pieces. Lily felt tears streaming down her face and saw her husband responding in kind. Wordlessly, they lifted his tortured frame from the ground. The thought to use magic didn't once cross their minds as they gently supported his weight between them and carried him down the hall to their room. By the time they'd arranged his limp form across the bed, Remus was standing in the doorway, an ashen look on his face and a small vial clutched so tightly in his hand his knuckles had gone white. He summoned a pensieve from across the room and reverently poured the contents into the swirling mist.

"I found this, in his pack. I think you should see it," he whispered to James. "I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous, but—"

"What is it?"

"More pain than any one man should ever have to endure," he said simply, his head slumping into his palms as he fell into the nearest chair.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hey guys! I hope you are as intrigued by this concept as I am:) I'm one of those crazy fans who latched onto Lily's mention of the McKinnons in this canon letter to Sirius, and I thought it would be cool to explore Sirius's life during the three years between his Hogwarts graduation and James & Lily's death. What were the Marauders up to during this time? Why were things strained between Sirius and Lupin? Why did Sirius convinced James to make Peter his Secret Keeper as opposed to himself like they'd originally planned? Why does Sirius love Harry so much? Why did someone as charming as Sirius never have a romantic interest! Etc. Etc. Etc. As always, your constructive criticism is welcome!


End file.
